Surreal Xmas Medley

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Tune: White Xmas

I’m dreaming of a nice Xmas
Just like the one we’ve never had
Where the kids arent bawling or Grandad snoring
And mum’s not bollicking my dad (for getting drunk)
I’m dreaming of a nice Xmas
Just like the one’s on the TV
Where the choirs are singing the bells are ringing
the dog’s not bringing up his tea
I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas
But still I’m filled with fear and dread
So to make my dream come true this year Instead
I’ll give Christmas a miss and stay in bed

Tune: Sleighride

Oh no it’s … Continue reading

Where There’s a Will There’s a Way

Laugh Or Cry Same Price by Dave Boulton

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Now families they have their tiffs and their quarrels
You get the odd fracas and feud
They can pass in the street and not exchange a greeting
Unless it’s to say something hurtful or rude
With a look of disdain they drive past in the rain
When they see your car stuck in a bog
But it’s awfully strange how their attitudes change
When one of the clan pops their clogs

Where there’s a will there’s relations
Wild horses won’t keep them at bay
They’ll arrive by the airports … Continue reading

Whale song

He spanned the wild Atlantic across and back again
and he knew the blue Pacific long before it had a name
from the great reef of Australia to the cold Cape Vincent Sound
and the barren Ocean trenches where the daylight’s never found

He saw the first explorers in their frail canoes and rafts
the Galleys then the Galleons he saw them sailing past
the Mayflower and the Beagle and the voyages that they made
and he saw the lofty clippers run before the Northern trades

He roams the seas in freedom with no enemy but man
from the pack ice of Antarctica to the shores of … Continue reading

Can’t You Stop It, Valerie!

Words by Dave Boulton

I’ve got a girl at home, won’t leave me alone
She will be the death of me
Though I’m feeling rough, she’s never had enough
Can’t you stop it, Valerie

Dubadubadumdum, dubadubadum
Dubadum dubadum dubadubadubadum
Dubadubadumdum, dubadubadum
Dubadum dubadum dubadubadubadum
Wish she’d go away for Christmas
No wonder that I’m grey and listless

I’m down to seven stone, I’m only skin and bone
Once weighed in at thirteen three
My old doctor said I need a fortnight out of bed
Can’t … Continue reading

Turkey Song

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We’re genetically modified turkeys from a research lab near Crewe
They gave us genes from Ostriches and giant Condors too
They thought they might get giant Turkey drumsticks
And loads of breast meat fit to feed a king
But what hatched out disturbed ‘em it surprised ‘em and perturbed ‘em
For what they got was never no such thing

Ooh! Christmas time is here again but we‘re not scared
We don’t expect a normal turkey’s fate
We don’t have to cringe or … Continue reading


Now there’s them who find schooling comes easy
While others don’t fare quite so well
And if you preferred rattin’ to history or Latin
The others will make your life hell

For they’ll scorn both successes and failures
And they’ll mimic and mock and malign
Decry and deride everything that you’ve tried
To stand out to shimmer and shine

And so when they get up to their antics
You’ll need to convince or confuse
And there’s only one way and one thing you can say
To prove they’re no better than … Continue reading

Three Jolly Fishermen

Dave Boulton June 2008

There were once 3 jolly fishermen who were sitting on the quay
Casting of their lines into the bright and briny sea
They’d caught coddling for their suppertime and Mackerel for their dinner
As well as the odd bloater, conger eel and little minnow

And then a big brash businessman comes swaggering close by
And he stops to watch them fishing with a bloodshot baleful eye
Just sitting in the sunshine and relaxing in the light
To his cor-por-ate connected brain it just didn’t seem quite right

He says why … Continue reading