Surreal Xmas Medley

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Tune: White Xmas

I’m dreaming of a nice Xmas
Just like the one we’ve never had
Where the kids arent bawling or Grandad snoring
And mum’s not bollicking my dad (for getting drunk)
I’m dreaming of a nice Xmas
Just like the one’s on the TV
Where the choirs are singing the bells are ringing
the dog’s not bringing up his tea
I’m dreaming of a nice Christmas
But still I’m filled with fear and dread
So to make my dream come true this year Instead
I’ll give Christmas a miss and stay in bed

Tune: Sleighride

Oh no it’s sleigh bell jangling turkey strangling time
I think that Santa Clause is a fat and nausious old swine
‘Cos he gives sweets and pressies to kids he says he holds dear
He’s not been caught but there’s a name for his sort round here
He gets into our houses while dad and spouse is asleep
And on the pretence of leaving presents he creeps
Well you can call the coppers but they’ll not stop his old tricks
They’re not chicken there’s just no nicking Saint Nick
Did he sup Did he sup Did he sup the tot the drunken old sot
If I know him then he’ll have had the lot
Did he stuff Did he stuff Did he stuff the pies just look at his eye’s
All that sherry has made him merry there’s no way he should drive
You warn your kids of dangers of gifts from strangers all year
Then let some bloke in wellies who’s drunk and smelling of beer
To take your little Otto into his Grotto so bright
And give him such a scare that he’ll have nightmares for life

Tune: Merry Christmas to You

Swinging gently in your manacles
Christmas candles lit beneath your toes
Hours with your privates wrapped in barbed wire
And nipple clamps with little festive bows (and there’s a)
A holly leaf shoved into every orifice
A stirrup pump and half a pound of lard
Though it’s been said many times many ways
Merry Xmas from the Marquis de Sade

Tune: I Saw mummy kissing Santa Clause

I saw Mummy kissing Santa Clause though I suppose it’s possible I’m wrong
‘cause I’m not really sure that Santa Clause would be stripping her or slipping her the tongue.
I was watching from my bedroom door and though I know that snooping is a sin
Well I was shocked by gosh sir when he sat her on the washer and gave her,
her Christmas present on fast spin

Now kids at school all say it wasn’t Santa Clause, that it was just my dad dressed up in red
Well if that was my old man sir then the question I’d like answered is who’s that bloke upstairs asleep in bed

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