Sprinkle to a Squirt

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Now we doctors are all chaps that you can trust I’m sure you know
So when you find that you’ve got trouble brewing down below
We’re the ones to track the gremlins down no matter where they lurk
We’re the lads to put the pressure back into your water works

Yes we’ll help you turn the sprinkle to a squirt
We will help you turn the trickle to a spurt
It’s a simple operation and we promise it won’t hurt
And we’ll help you turn the sprinkle to a squirt

One day you’re right as ninepence, and you’re feeling right as rain
And the next it’s like there’s been a bloody hose pipe ban again
And it’s not the sort of problem you can mention to your mates
‘Cause you know that Mr Drippy is a nickname that you’d hate

Now the patient may display poor aim and miss the proffered pan
Though this is often thought of as quite normal in a man
Those tell tale signs like bathroom carpets damp beneath the toes
Mean he’s got a leaky washer or been fitted with a rose

Some say the cure is poultices of steaming dock and quince
Some swear the bests results are gained by total abstinence
Some say that micro surgery ‘s required without a doubt
But we believe that all you need’s a damn good rodding out

And in the days to come you’ll take your place with all the rest
Before the gleaming porcelain performing with the best
Playing firemen or machine guns as proudly there you stand
Just like MacNamara with the best gland in the land

 1995 His Worship & the Pig

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