First thank you all for coming here to help Jeff and Liz celebrate their happy day
I would like to thank Liz and Jeff’s parents without whom it is safe to assume we would not have been here today at all.
Next let me thank the brides maids page boy and usher who I think you will agree did a great job in keeping the ceremonies running smoothly. So please raise your glasses in a toast.
at this juncture It falls upon me to say a few words………
Accustom as I am to public speaking. I pondered long and hard for something to say about this happy occasion that was pertinent and pithy, whimsical yet wise, both entertaining and enlightening.
I toiled for hours over a hot word processor but to no avail the muse had deserted me entirely.
So then I resorted to my tried and tested standby in these situations. to whit, steal material from someone else.
I thought I could use some old lines like:
A mans not complete till he’s married
then he’s really finished.
Marriage is a institution
but who wants to live in an institution.
and the old faithful:
Do you think a married couple should be Frank and earnest
no it would be better if one of them was a woman
but nothing worked and I knew why………………………………….
By Dave Boulton
On the occasion of Jeff and Liz’s Marriage
Saturday 15th Feb 1997 at the Manor House Alsager
I know this may come as a shock to some here but I’ve a confession to make ‘ere you go
for I have a terrible secret to tell, a big one that not even Jeff and Liz know.
I’ve posed as a musician for many’s the year so the truth may confuse and confound
for I am a man in the pay of the Queen or is it the other way round?
For Jeff though you may you know me I’m not what I’m made out to be
I’m an agent put in by the marriage police to assess your suitability
I had to check that you’re suited for marriage so you wont let us wedded folk down
and I have to say and I have grave reservations, I don’t like the things wot I’ve found
I know you’ve a licence to say that you’re wed, tied the knot, jumped the brush, fare and square
but you still may be tried by a group of your peers like this lot that’s sat sitting there
So I’ll read my report to these folks here and now, and though you both think it’s a joke
If they give the thumbs down when I’m over and done your license could well be revoked
It’s true Jeff and Liz it’s the way that it is. It ‘s what wedded bliss is about
and them that’s not with us, is them that’s against us, and them that’s against us is OUT!
for a start there’s not half enough nagging he gets much to much his own way
he wants a computer he gets a computer that not the way real married people behave
Liz , be tight fisted cut off his emoluments and ignore the groans he’ll emit
don’t simply give in to his want s and his whims at least not ‘til grovelled a bit
he has much too much time for relaxing some days he’s in bed ‘til half ten
take heed of the married folks maxim “ the devil finds trouble for bone idle men”
he needs is big list of jobs that need doing, that grows and is never depleted
and a big list of things that he’s promised to do and a third of one’s never completed
I cant stand anymore of this kiss and make up, understanding or live and let live
now you’re wedded the game is called recriminations it isn’t forget and forgive
you must never let be bygones be bygones be okerd unyielding and strong
Bear a grudge to the end and what ever you do never ever admit that you’re wrong
Now Jeffrey you must learn the basics to me you just don’t seem to try
I mean growing a beer gut’s an absolute must and the fact you don’t drink beer at all’s by the by
and from what I hear you don’t snore much though it isn’t a difficult task
and just making sure that you never change loo rolls is that really much to much to ask?
You can pack in the Hanky Panky as well it just isn’t part of the deal
to see you two billing and cooing just how do you think that makes the rest of us feel
there’s strict guidelines relating to that sort of thing we’d be grateful if you would employ it
It this, once a week with lights off and you must promise not to enjoy it.
to sum up, I advise you to let them stay wed, though it’s a strange to come from myself
I know they’re not much cop at doing it right but at least it’ll stop ‘em enjoying themselves
So there is the case put before you, commit every detail to mind
thumbs up and they’re in thumbs down and they’re out ladies and gents of the jury how d’you find?
But seriously folks, let me describe the time I first knew for an absolute certainty that Jeff and Liz were a match made in heaven. One night last summer when as usual I went over to their house to practice.
(Practice normally consists of me whinging about work, life the universe and every thing, and Jeff and liz feeding me copious quantities of alcohol and saying I know, I know).
Well when I went in Jeff was stood looking out of the window tuning his mandola. I asked after Liz and casually looking out of the window Jeff said she’s here. I walked to the window and was gobsmacked to find that while Jeff stood and tuned his instrument Liz was outside laying concrete flags.
Stories dont end any happy ever after-ish that that.