by Dave Boulton
I’ll tell thee a Biblical story
And I hope that I tell it alright
Concerning Goliath the Philistine giant
And David the young Israelite
On the side of the valley of Elah
The Israelites camped in a wood
And on t’other bank in scarlet array
The tents of the Philistines stood
Well insults flew thick across valley
All day and far into the night
There was gesticulating and making rude signs
But both sides seemed reluctant to fight
Said the Philistine general: IT’S SHOCKING
FOR THAT LOT TO TREAT US THIS WAY
And girding his loins he says: LET’S CHOOSE A CHAMPION
And all his lads answer: OKAY!
So they voted and result were five thousand to nowt
For the fearsome Goliath of Gath
General says to his men: WELL, WHERE IS HE THEN?
And the lads shout: HE’S HAVING A BATH!
Says general: WELL, WHO’S GOING TO TELL HIM?
OH COME ON YOU GREAT LOAD OF JESSIES!
WHO’S GOING TO GO AND BREAK NEWS TO BIG JOE?
And the lads say: WE’LL GIVE YOU THREE GUESSES!
He were full of misgivings were General
As he went up to the tent and rang bell – it were a bell tent
ERR … YOU’VE BEEN VOTED CHAMPION! he shouts through the
Then girding his loins, ran like hell
When Goliath came out through the side of the tent
It looked like someone would get murdered
But his wrath did abate, ‘cos he’d come out straight
From his bath and his loins were ungirded
Goliath was back in his tent in a flash
And all night he sat there with a pout
Till next morning adorned in his armour
Through a rent in the tent he strode out
When Goliath reached bottom of valley
He shouts challenge up ‘illside so steep
And all of the lads in the Israelite camp
Shout: SHURRUP, THERE’S FOLKS HERE TRYIN’ SLEEP!
Now Saul, who’s the gaffer of Israelite horde
Says: WHO’LL GO DOWN THERE AND UPHOLD OUR CAUSE?
WON’T SOME UPSTANDING CHAP UP HIS HAND FOR THIS SCRAP?
And the Israelites answered: UP YOURS!
Then David, a shepherd boy, steps from the ranks
And says: I’M NOT AFWAID, I WILL GO
And Saul says to the Israelites: YOU’LL NOT LET THIS CHILD FIGHT?
And the Israelites all answer: YEP!
Well any road up, fer keep a long story short
Young David leaves camp to a big rousing cheer
To face the great giant who’s standing defiant
Like a JCB with a beard
Well about twenty paces from giant
David looses a brick from his sling
But Goliath uses flat of his sword like a bat
And hooks it for six with one swing
So Dave quickly loads up another
You can see as Goliath thinks he’s bonkers
But as missile strikes home giant lets out a groan
And the lads shout: EEH, RIGHT IN THE CONKERS!
Well young Dave were tired out when he got back to camp
He’d had a long day, bless his socks
I mean he’d stamped giant’s ticket, invented cricket
And proved that a batsman, if wise, wears a box
And that’s end of the tale but for cautionary note
And in this lads’ll join me I know
For things that you’re liable to read in the Bible
They ain’t necessarily so
1993 His Worship & the Pig