Bringing Home The Bacon by Dave Boulton

Words by Dave Boulton, music by Jeff Parton

When everybody lets you down who’s there to calm your fears?
When no one understands you who seems wise beyond his years?
If you’re feeling like you’re forty or feeling like you’re four
Who knows what you need when you can’t take it anymore

He’s your teddy, he’s your confidante and friend
He’s your teddy, and he’ll love you right up to the very end
When that troubled look is in your eyes, he asks no questions tells no lies
Just sits there … Continue reading

Swollen Toes

(To the tune of ‘Hal and Tow’)

Oh take care of your tootsies and they’ll take care of you-o
Cause playing footsie with PA’s a thing you shouldn’t do-o


Now nails and toes need manicures to keep them neat and nice-o
But scissors are the thing, not speakers falling from great heights-o

Some piggies go to market and some piggies stay at home-o
Some piggies they get splattered into shards of splintered … Continue reading

Survival of the Fittest

How did we survive oh How did we survive
If you listen what they’re saying now we shouldn’t be alive
It’s a wonder that we made past the tender age of five
Oh how did we oh how did we survive

Well the paint on cots and beds was laced with zinc and lead
Which we swallowed chewed and sucked without a care
There were no safety caps or lids to deter enquiring kids
and no gates to stop you falling down the stairs.
We’d drink water from the hose till … Continue reading

Summer Is Gone

Download lyric sheet with chords

Summer is gone, the year’s moving on
There’s mist on the water and shadows are long
leaves they are falling the wild geese are calling
The nights they are drawing and summer is gone

You came with the first golden promise of spring
and you stayed while the summer sun shone
and you’d only say you intended to stay
‘til the sun and the summer was gone

April’s soft rain caused the blossoms to bloom
and May brought the lengthening days
Continue reading

Sprinkle to a Squirt

Bringing Home The Bacon by Dave Boulton

Download lyric sheet with chords

Now we doctors are all chaps that you can trust I’m sure you know
So when you find that you’ve got trouble brewing down below
We’re the ones to track the gremlins down no matter where they lurk
We’re the lads to put the pressure back into your water works

Yes we’ll help you turn the sprinkle to a squirt
We will help you turn the trickle to a spurt
It’s a simple operation and we promise it won’t hurt
And we’ll … Continue reading

The Spanish Armada

By Dave Boulton

I’ll tell thee a sea-faring story
As told to me by my grandfather
Whose great great great great great great great granddad Tom
Helped Drake thrash the Spanish Armada

Down at Plymouth Sir Francis were playing at bowls
With the weather as fair as you’d like
Walter Raleigh were with him, now he’s best known to fame
As the man who invented the bike

Now Queen had give Francis a new set of bowls
He was trying out on the crown green
All in gold they’re inscribed with lions … Continue reading


Bringing Home The Bacon by Dave Boulton

Talk of Merlin’s wisdom, of battles in the sky
Lofty spires and Dragons fire and Kings that never die
I know it’s true I always knew somewhere in my soul
But the mountains hide the memory’s’ where city folk don’t go

There’s thunder in the mountains there’s water in the gills
And the wind is slowly drawing misty curtains on the hills
There’s a silence in the valley no beast nor bird astir
As sunset fires the ancient spires across Snowdonia

I never was a traveler and I never meant to … Continue reading

It’s Great To Be Sixty

Download lyric sheet with chords

Thank you for coming to my birthday bash
Lets have a good time while the nosh and booze lasts
and thanks for the cards and the pressies and stuff
And to those who thought writing a song was enough

Sixty oh sixty it’s great to be sixty
Not shagged out and shattered
But feisty and frisky
Not knocked up and knackered
But ribald and risqué
Oh God but it’s great to be sixty

Now some folks have said and I think they’re sincere
Continue reading

The Sexton

Download lyrics sheet with chords

You know I’ve been sitting here thinking
Thirty years every day without fail
All the years come and gone, all the folks that’s passed on
And I’m still here to tell you the tale

Just rely on your good friend the sexton
When all around are bereaved and bereft
When the kids take your money and God takes your soul
I’ll take good care of what’s left

Now I’ve got folks in here lived to give cash away
While there’s others who … Continue reading

The Ballad Of Scoonie’s Arse

Look Back In 'Anley by Dave Boulton

I’ll tell to you a stirring tale, pray give me your attention
For the nights are drawing in and time for droll diversion’s sparse
I promise it will end before you qualify for pension
And both the song and story are entitled “Scoonie’s Arse”.

My tale concerns a giant though there’s some that don’t believe it
But Scoonie was his name and he lived down by Leven town
He strode six leagues at every step his head in clouds was wreath-ed
And when he spoke you’d fear that he might bring the … Continue reading